T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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