I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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