well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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