so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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