I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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