my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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