I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You need a sexual gate keeper
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
