today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
