we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize