Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you didnt know i had herpes?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
