OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
