toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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