cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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