Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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