Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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