Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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