Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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