so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Randomize
