Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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