I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
