just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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