Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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