there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
