I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
