OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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