I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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