found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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