It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
