I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
