My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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