You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
