And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
