i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
