I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
