also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
