chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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