Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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