as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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