when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
