just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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