he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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