I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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