we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
