her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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