Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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