Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
