Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
