The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
