Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
