Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
