when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
