He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
