dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
