So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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