Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
