She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
