The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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