based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Everyone says I win the strip club
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize