a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
