We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
