i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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