Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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