i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
