My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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