Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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